Hope Springs Eternal
by Narya's Bane
Summary: Series of chapters, moments from three heroes with the ones they care about most. All three navigating what can only be called tragic romances. All female heroes, pairings Aeducan/Alistair, Aeducan/Zevran, Hawke/Anders, and Levallan/Solas
1. Chapter 1

Thank you to any and all who have been keeping an eye out on my stories. After a very long time the itch has come again, and it is called Dragon Age.

This will be random chapters and moments-mostly in chronological order- for all three games. And there WILL be spoilers! I will note at the chapters's beginning if there are.

Pairings are: F!Aeducan/Alistair, F!Hawke/Anders, F!Levallan/Solas

No happy endings here. So far.

I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.

The more I get of you the stranger it feels-yeah.

Now that your rose is in bloom a light hits the gloom on the gray.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say.

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain...

-Seal, "Kiss From a Rose"

In retrospect, the dwarf was more of a surprise than she should have been.

Alistair liked to watch her as she slept, her body always at ease. One of the best parts of not touching the Fade, he imagined; as long as there weren't darkspawn near Kasha Aeducan would not dream. He himself did not have that luxury, instead his mind wandering into his hopes and fears nightly. Lyrium addiction, Duncan's demise- and acceptance, even a birthright...

When Kasha Aeducan started to show up in his dreams Alistair knew he was in trouble.

From the beginning she had intrigued him. She had an aire of nobility about her, as if she continuously had to remind herself of her situation. Taking charge after Duncan's death had seemed natural to her as well, as if she was accustomed to duty. She had checked with him as her senior, but when he deferred to her Kasha ran with the lead. Alistair had not had cause to regret his decision yet.

Her appearance in his sleep was different. She shone like a beacon, beautiful and distracting, and in his mind she whispered promises to him he could not accept.

Then he gave her the rose. The gorgeous, perfect rose that made him think of her in it's beautiful danger with the thorns. And she had smiled brightly, smiling and accepting the gift graciously.

That very night, Kasha was taking watch when he came up beside her. She scooted over on her log bench to give him room and began speaking. Only this time it was from the dwarf's heart and full of her fears on their next mission- the one that would take her home. Everything came out, and Alistair finally understood. Her ability to command, her comprehension of politics...her fearlessness.

"I should have died," Kasha confided. "Some mornings I wonder if I did, and everything here is in the stone. Then I look at you, Alistair, and realize this is real." Her dark laugh and shake of head speaks volumes. "Is it sad this may be the best of my life?"

"I don't know. Blight, fighting, intrigue. Who wouldn't love it, really?" Turning serious, he added, "it speaks to your character, truly. Nothing to be unhappy about."

Kasha seemed to ease. "I...you mean a lot to me, Alistair. You know that don't you?"

The former Templar, current grey warden, panicked. He didn't dare to hope... "You are my dearest friend as well, Warden Aeducan."

The dwarven woman deflated slightly. "I...yes, of course." Her head shook a little. Then, as if on sheer instinct, she turned and captured him in a kiss. It was brief but...

Alistair was stunned. So stunned he could hardly move, even as she rushed away with glowing red cheeks.

It was his first real kiss...and he knew he wanted more. From her. And to do so, he would need to gather all his own strength and proceed.

Next time they spoke, he would be clear.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.

Pour real life down on me because I can't hold on to anything this good.

Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me because I can't say no...

-Evanescence, "Good Enough"

Making a man a king is a strange way to betray him. Even so, Kasha Aeducan knew that was precisely what she had done to the man she loved more than anything. In spite of her love for him, she knew better, and wished she did not.

If thing could have been different... but they couldn't. He was half of the answer, a part if what Ferelden desperately needed. Idealistic, but strong. Able to take action caring. Anora was the other half: coldly beautiful, realistic, politically minded. Years of political maneuvering taught Kasha to recognize them as a dangerous pair if matched together.

Even if it broke her heart to do so.

Kasha watched them now from afar, the picture perfect couple they made, and did everything to beat down the jealousy. The memories. This...this was better for the kingdom.

Truly, she had a heart that could deny Alistair nothing. Kasha always gave her all. From her first love, her second in Orzammar, to her friendships...she dedicated herself to them. Zevran's eyes danced to her, especially since that night with Isabella and Alistair, and she gave what she could even to him. It was not in her to withhold.

But Alistair had a different place, one she could not help him occupy. Anora though- Anora could.

Kasha went through the motions. Even as they planned their assault, she considered the options. Death...didn't sound so bad, she final blow would be hers and hers alone.

Then Morrigan arrived with another option, sounding so certain of it. She knew of Kasha's love, and was so sure that the offer would be accepted for Alistair's sake.

Kasha almost took it too. Her tongue hovered over the words, preparing to have Morrigan make ready, then the dwarf considered again.

Alistair had already gone through much, and his heart was hurt. Kasha understood that. He was a man who could accept only one love, one mate. She had already said no to one desire of his heart for the good of the kingdom. This would be for her own gain.

She couldn't make him do it.

If it were for any of their other companions she would have considers at least talking to him. Yet this was only for her, and she had already made her choice.

In Duncan and the Wardens Kasha had found a cause worth her life. For Alistair, she was willing to die.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun is breaking in your eyes to start a new day.

This broken heart can still survive with a touch of your grace.

Shadows fade into the light.

I am by your side where love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

-Daughtry, "What About Now"

Kasha's mind set off warnings as she prepared for the final strike: her strike, and the one that would seal her fate. She had come to terms with it, was fully ready, when Alistair have her that dad smile. She couldn't hear him, the words lost in the air as he took the blow meant for her alone, and in that moment she truly wished she had sent him to Morrigan. To keep him safe.

The next instant blurred. Kasha felt her head swim, and a dozen little hurts compound. She had fought hard, not smart, fully intending to die-and perhaps, in spite of Alistair's sacrifice, she would still have that fate. She felt Wynn come up behind her, the old arms possessed of a surprising strength as she caught her. The dwarf was somewhat cognizant of the elder woman calling her name before unconsciousness took her fully.

When Kasha came to the air felt strange, a and her feet felt like she was standing on nothing. This was the Fade! She knew it, and knew it shouldn't be possible. Then the sound overcame her: the dinn of battle, and Alistair's voice groaning in effort. Her eyes darted, seeking the source.

Kasha found the fight in short order. There was Alistair, her Alistair, still wrapped in battle with the arch demon. She ran close, finding herself stopped by a gap before she could cross to aide him. The dwarven warrior shuddered, scared for him, and did the only thing she could: reached for a bow she kept at her side.

Kasha was a warrior, no question. She had always been mediocre at best with an arrow, in spite of Leliana's assistance. Now she looked to her mark, hoping she would be able to do something. She reached for an arrow, finding the quiver empty. Cursing, she fought tears that tried to surface as she looked for a weapon that could help.

All she felt was a familiar prick of rose thorns meet her hand.

Kasha hesitated, then grabbed the rose. Carefully, she knocked it and drew back as if it were a normal arrow. Then she released, eyes closing as she did, unwilling to see...

The noise ended.

Kasha let herself sink to her knees, still with shuttered eyes as her heart beat loudly in her ears. A moment later the most familiar hand n the world set on her shoulder.

"Maker's breath, Kasha, what are you doing here?"

"I don't know." She opened her eyes, meeting Alistair's gaze. "I...it was supposed to be me, you know."

"I wasn't going to just let you die."

Kasha sighed. "We thought alike to the end. You were simply quicker."

"I didn't...Kasha, did you..?"

"Still love you? Of course. My heart doesn't change. I just knew Ferelden needed you more than I, and was willing to allow that. I should have brought Zevran, left you n command. I wish..."

Alistair caught her up in a kiss. "I thought you'd stopped caring."

"I never cared more."

" I know that now." He shrugged. "Just means I was even more right than I thought."

Kasha sighed. "My heart will always be yours."

Alistair laughed. "No love. That is one thing that is absolute. Your heart is able to belong to so many people, Kasha. You love fully, and often, and white hot. I saw Gotim's eyes on you, and Zevran...and I certainly remember Isabella. You have love in you. I always gave it to just one: you."

Kasha blushed. "I..."

"It's fine. Go and love my dearest. I will be...here."

Kasha let her breath hitch, but nodded. "Until then, Alistair."

Alistair kissed her once more. Kasha relished the sensation, the love on his embrace, even as she felt it fade from her.

Kasha then felt pain blossom throughout her entire body. She opened her eyes in a bedroom in Denerim, seeing Xevran at her side reading a book of Antivan love poetry. She reached slowly for his hand, grasping it with a strong squeeze and seeing a bright smile reward her over the elf's face.

"Zevran," she whispered. The book dropped and he looked down at her, care and concern evident in his ginger touch.

"Yes little love?"

"Can you find Wynne?" Kasha winced. "It hurts everywhere."

"Of course."


	4. Chapter 4

When the days are cold and the cards all fold and the saints we see are all made of gold...

When your dreams all fail and the ones we hail are the worst of all and the blood's run stale...

I wanna hide the truth.

I wanna shelter you, but with the beast inside there's nowhere we can hide.

-Imagine Dragons, "Demons"

Kasha had enough of being Denerim's darling, or the upcoming dwarven paragon. She longed to just be the warden, or even just Kasha, again. Then again she had rarely just been Kasha- almost never in her life.

After months at Amaranthine she was on the move again. With Zevran- she couldn't begin to explain how much the elf meant to her. For a relationship that started with him trying to kill her it was going particularly smoothly.

"Kasha." His voice was soft, and he alone dared to call her by her given name anymore. He was her rock now.

"Just thinking," she admitted.

"Dangerous pastime."

"I live for danger," she joked. "Don't you?"

Zevran came behind her, his hands on her shoulders rubbing lightly. "You'll go crazy if you don't relax. We are on our own, nobody to lay more at your feet. Just you and me love."

Kasha shuddered both at his touch and the words. Love, he called her. She liked that a bit too much.

Then Alistair's assessment of her rang in Kasha's mind. She was allowed to love again. It was expected, even. So why did this feel like betraying him?

"I am not your shining Templar I know," the elf whispered in her ear, "but I would give you comfort in his absence. I make no secret of the fact I both admire and...care for you."

Kasha sighed. She couldn't hide that her heart reached for him, whether n pain or love she did not know. "Why?"

"Because you should have someone there for you, as you are for the rest of us." He smiled. "Because I find you interesting and lovely."

Kasha found it impossible to resist smiling back. "I suppose that will work then, Zev."

One hand curled in her long, black hair as the other traced the lines on her face. She closed her eyes, letting her mind wander. It almost surprised her when his voice spoke again. "You are certain?"

Kasha realized she had no choice. "It isn't what I imagined during the war," she admitted, "but this is healing." The dwarf woman straightened slightly, raising an arm to grasp his. "I guess, somewhere, I always knew I loved you as well."

Zevran smiled widely. "Good. Very good. Because you stole my heart too."


	5. Chapter 5

You probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day, but I promise you will see the sun again.

You're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness...

I just promise you will see the sun again.

-Dido, "See the Sun"

Aeris Hawke sighed heavily. Bad enough being drug around by some crazy mage, but this was DIFFERENT. This…this Anders fellow was more than a magic user. Every part of her screamed out that he was dangerous. Beyond that, this menace was exactly what was feared amongst the Templars. He was an abomination.

From the look in his eyes as she entered the clinic, Aeris could tell Anders was expecting a verbal lashing. What he was definitely not expecting was her to make the bold announcement of "Is this where you tell me you're an abomination." His image changed then from that of a man desperate to explain his situation to that of a man who didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Anders told his story, and Hawke had to admit it was sad. It made Aeris want to comfort him, make better the damage his friend was causing for him. On the other hand it also marked him as a good and loyal friend, a trusty companion, and helped him jump very high on Aeris' list of people to keep at her side as potential allies. She even allowed herself to flirt with the dangerous mage. To her surprise, he actually smiled as if she had jus given him a compliment he could accept.

Exiting Darktown, Bethany turned to her sisten and nervously asked, "You trust him?"

"About as much as I did Varric when we first met him."

Bethany shuddered. "Both give me the chills, for different reasons of course."

Aeris laughed. "He isn't that bad, Bethy. Just different."

They chattered their way up to Lowtown, Aeris only partially aware of the conversation. Her mind was fixated on the mage, how he didn't seem to quite fit the history he had told them so far. By the time her thoughts stopped wandering she was back at Gamlen's door and headed up the stairs.

When she dreamed that night, Aeris dreamed of something new. Somehow her mind was filled with nightmares of darkspawn and a burning tower. The primary figure was a man of almost shimmering blue who seemed vaguely familiar, though she couldn't quite place him. Soon they were eye-to-eye, and it clicked. She felt a shudder as she stepped forward, letting her head fall low. "You're…Justice, I take it? Anders?"

The man glowered. "What are you doing here?"

That was actually a good question. "I'm no mage to understand that. I stab people, nothing more. Do you have a theory as to my presence, Spirit?"

This was obviously a completely foreign idea to the Fade presence. "Troublesome woman," he muttered. "You're quickly driving us to distraction."

"Excuse me?"

"You take us out of control, young Hawke. I can hardly hear anything tonight over the sound of interior turmoil and hurting your supposedly tender feelings." Something in that got the darkspawn crowing, as the inner demon raged and circled. "I think you are here just to add torment to an already abandoned dream."

Hawke rarely showed any tenderness. Not that the inner kindness didn't exist, but it had been dangerous to let it show. Safer to tread if nobody knew what was really dear to your heart. In this place, though, she felt she could let some guard down and go to the mage freely, no fear of retaliation. At first he balked as she drew near, easing only when she had him fully encased in a hug.

"I might understand better than you do," Aeris admitted. This odd, agitated version of the man she was acquainted with melted in her arms quite suddenly. He looked up, much more the man she remembered at the end of their conversation, the one with adorable puppy-dog eyes. "I'm here to see how you beat yourself up and let you know it isn't worth it."

At those words the dreamscape changed, morphing into a quiet library hall in a cozy castle keep. Hawke let him go then, letting the change sink in for him as well.

"This is a change," he admitted.

"What is this?"

"Same place, earlier time. When I traveled with Champion Aeducan the Warden Keep looked like this. It only turned into the charred remains you saw much later. This is where I have some of my fondest memories."

Aeris remained quiet, though giving into the temptation to sit in one of the plush chairs. Comfortable. She settled in, gesturing for Anders to join her. He did so with a grin she took to be from a different time in his life, perhaps even a different lifetime. It was charming, even beautiful. Aeris had to quickly remind herself she was supposed to flirt, not fall in…

As if reading her mind, Anders blushed. "I, ah, sorry if I make you uncomfortable. Being here just relaxes me. The Justice part, too. It is a time when we could be at ease in our own ways."

Aeris laughed a little. "As strange as it seems, no. You aren't really making me uncomfortable. Though I am curious. Have you ever, ah...?"

Anders nodded. "Justice of course used to walk with me constantly. Other than that...there was a girl at the tower, loutish Amell."

Aeris sighed. "Ilyria is my cousin, actually. Although I would have presumed if anyone else in our family would connect it would be Bethany. I'm not much for magic, after all."

Anders coughed in surprise. "Your cousin is Ilyria Amell, circle Mage?"

Aeris scoffed. "Stuffy. Proper. Circle. Not exactly the sort of person to make me covet a family reunion."

Anders reached out sympathetically for her hand. She let him grip it, squeezing gently. After a brief silence, Anders finally noted, "So this is what you're really like?"

Aeris shrugged. "Inside at least. Don't expect to see this kind of sincere vulnerability ever again."

"I understand. It used to be my type of defense as well. Don't let anyone know what matters, right?"

"Right." The two sat a moment before Aeris asked, "So how does this work from here?"

Anders laughed. "Do you have another devilishly handsome mage waiting for you elsewhere in the Fade, Serrah Hawke?"

"Serrah my foot Anders. And no, just don't want to get stuck or anything."

Anders paled. "That's. . . actually a possibility. Ilyria got me stuck once while we were children at the Tower. Took days of wandering to find a way out again. Anything but fun." Hawke looked panicked. At least until the mage burst into laughter. "It's fine. When you are ready to wake up you will. Until then, how about some chess to pass the time?"


	6. Chapter 6

I don't know you but I want to...

All the more for that.

Words fall through me, always fool me, and I can't react.

Games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out.

Take this sinking boat and point it home-

We've still got time!

Raise your hopeful voice; you have a choice!

-Glen Hansard, "Falling Slowly"

Aeris decided to visit her elusive mage the morning after their quick jaunt in the Fade, hoping to strengthen their budding friendship. When she first entered, his entire body relaxed as an honest smile crept upon his face. The warrior neared, hoping her act of openness would be enough to ignite their relationship.

It didn't work quite as she hoped. While he was certainly apologetic enough about his weightiness from the previous day, a self-reprimanding tone took over the instant she tried to compliment him. Which was aggravating considering she actually did find him attractive and found his company agreeable enough. In trying to explain his reasons, all that came across to Aeris was a desperate need for him to gain additional self worth.

That was when Hawke started taking her wayward mage with her on most missions. At first he was gawky as a part of the group, but soon regained his prowess and managed to work as part of the team. Not only did he seem happier, but Justice got a bit quieter when they were in social situations. Aeris decided she preferred this version of Anders. He openly joked, his dry wit and her open sarcasm pairing perfectly.

On the rare moments they shared alone, Aeris was careful to keep her discussions light. Kittens were a constant topic, both agreeing that they were about the cutest thing possible in existence. They also did have a chance to discuss politics, in which they shared a very like mind: Ferelden's queen was an icy cold thing, Orlais was a convoluted cesspool, and nowhere was a good mage free to be as they deserved.

Aeris did avoid religion. From what she could tell, Anders was a Maker-fearing man, though she herself found herself unable to believe in such a man as the Chantry described. But a day finally came when they were alone together, him walking her to her door after a day with Fenris and Aveline, and he asked the question as they passed. "Why do you seem so uncomfortable near the Chantry doors?"

"I, ah, well." Aeris shuffled, not wanting to do this. "Anders, while I do believe in A Maker, I can't claim to believe in THE Maker. I'm just not sure about Him." She shrugged. "I'm certainly not comfortable with the teachings of Andraste."

Anders paused. "You don't? But that is. . ?"

"My own prerogative. Not that the Chantry isn't valuable as a place for people to come and compromise, but I don't see much point beyond that. Besides, I just don't see why the Maker would pick just one woman from all of Thedas as his bride. Have you seen the statues? She wasn't even that beautiful! Why would that make sense?"

Against what Aeris was sure she'd see, when she looked up Anders was actually smiling. "I had a friend who used to say something similar. Used to drive your cousin absolutely nuts. Amells don't exactly agree amongst themselves, do they?"

Aeris laughed. "You believe that, you should have seen me and my brother Carver. We did nothing but try to beat each other senseless either physically or mentally, I swear. He was such an annoying. . ." She stopped, falling silent as tears started to slip from her eyes. "Carver." This time the words were more whispered, and she inhaled much more slowly before repeating, "Carver." She looked up to see Anders looking down, concern deep in his eyes.

"Aeris, have you talked about him since he died?" Anders asked, already sure of the answer. She shook her head to confirm his fear. "Why?"

"Since when do I talk about anything?" When the mage stayed silent, she shook her head and explained, "Mother and Bethany have this morose idea and image of Carter as this boy who never got to be the man he wanted to before the ogre came. I, on the other hand, spent years with him, fighting at his side, and in spite of our rivalry actually knew who he was. Really knew him as he was. And he wasn't the boy they try to mourn. But who else do I have to confide in?"

Anders thought that over. Aveline was too stagnant; Isabella and Varis would try to seduce her, the end result being in some epic tome; Merrill was. . .Merrill. As for Fenris, well, actually that was an idea unless she was trying to impress him. And he'd seen the look in her eyes when she was around the elf. Maybe that was the answer.

"Fenris actually tried to get it out of me before," Aeris continued. "But he is just. Too. Frigid." She shivered, a small giggle escaping her lips. Anders joined in the laughter, relieved she proved him wrong.

Aeris reached for his hand. "Carver was a pain, but a loyal brother. I would have enjoyed introducing the two of you. After he got over the initial shock of your predicament, he might have actually liked you."

"Might have?" Anders asked with a goofy grin.

"Well, I like you, so he might have decided not to just out of spite." As soon as the words escaped Aeris' mouth, however, she blushed as she realized she'd just broken the first rule of time with Anders. He took it in stride for once, even reaching for her hand easily. Their fingers intertwined, and she could almost feel magic teeming between the two.

That seemed to catch Anders' attention. He tried to pull his hand away. "Hawke, I'm not sure. . ."

Aeris pulled it closer. "Please don't ruin this. And it isn't just Hawke; call me Aeris when we're alone at least, please?"

Anders looked up, embarrassment flowing as he realized they really were alone in the suddenly abandoned streets. "Aeris, you know I care for you, but..."

The next words never got to exit his mouth. She stopped abruptly, and let her hand lax. "Stop. Now. We are going to get a few things straight before we get to my home. First, you depreciate yourself FAR too much. You don't just insult yourself, but everyone who stays near you, including the Fereldens you help. Including me.

"Second, learn to accept a compliment once in a while. I know you work hard, and I notice. I don't want to feel like acknowledging that is going to make you feel wretched. When I do give honest praise, which is actually quite rare, it is deserved. And that should feel like a small reward for impressing a lovely lady, not a disappointment because someone noticed you.

"Third, and let's go ahead and say lastly, the ability to have a dark and painful past is not exclusive to you. Our entire group consists of nothing but renegades, run-aways, and others who have lived tortured existences. You really aren't that different. So stop brooding. Now."

Hawke walked a few paces, seeing they were at Gamlen's door. "That is my own opinion at least. I may not be the only one to have it, but I am the only one willing to voice it to you. Because I hope you are my friend and we can come to an agreement without straining the ties that compromise. You can take my words or leave them, but whichever you pick know they still smack of truth. As for whatever might exist between us, know that I won't stop trying to get through until I hear three little words. Andraste's knickers, even then I can't promise to stop flirting with you, so get over it. Until I hear 'I'm not interested' I can't make any promises. Consider it the price of being in my company." With that, Aeris Hawke opened her door and entered the home.

Bethany picked up on the foul mood the minute Aeris entered, guiding her older sister away from the elders. In their shared room they chatted for a few hours until the fire finally was cooled down enough to get to sleep. It was a blessedly peaceful sleep void of dreams plagued by annoying, self-deprecating mages.

The next morning, exiting their home, Aeris was quite surprised to find Anders already sitting on the doorstep waiting for her. He looked up as she stepped out the door, standing attentively. He held a hand out to help her down the stairway, eyes narrowing as she accepted.

"How long have you been here?"

"Just a few minutes," Anders admitted. "I knew you'd be going out today as usual, and wanted to volunteer to be in your company."

Aeris choked back a snarky comment that threatened to exit her lips. Instead she settled for a more lasting, comfortable "Thank you." Anders brought her hand to his lips, letting her be as she was now safely down the stairs and giggling lightly.

Today was shaping up to be one of the good days.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't believe that magic is only in the mind.

I don't believe I'd love somebody just to pass the time.

But I believe in you.

-Kylie Minogue, "I Believe in You"

Aeris growled at the bright light that fluttered in through the windows in her bedroom. Bodahn had entered, now turning to look at the heap in the bed in the morning light now that he had woken her. "Serah Hawke," he announced, "breakfast is ser…" He stopped in the middle of his thought as, for only the second time in the few years since she'd hired him, he saw an extra set of legs that was far too masculine to belong to the previous occupants. "I'll…umm…prepare another plate."

"No need Bodahn," a warm, friendly voice assured. "I have to get to the clinic anyway." Anders sighed as he slid from below the sheets…well, started to slide until he realized his state of dress and thought better of it. He looked to Aeris, desperate for some help.

"That is all, Bodahn. Thank you."

The dwarf scurried out, shutting the door to the large bedroom. Aeris laughed, watching as Anders now jumped from the sheets to display his form in all it's glorious, ridiculously pale and skinny might. Still, she found her breath was taken away and she just lay down to admire with appreciation.

"Like what you see, Little Bird?" Anders asked, trying out the new nickname he had murmured the night before and getting a smile in return.

"Oh Maker yes." Her brilliant eyes furrowed, mouth drawing into a pout. "I don't want you to leave yet. Silly, I know, but still, I'd love more time together."

"But I have work at the clinic, and you have…whatever it is nobles do." He pulled his pants on and leaned over for a kiss. "Really, if I don't hurry I'm likely to find the place raided for need of supplies."

"Will I see you again tonight?"

Anders had a flash of panic cross his face. He'd made promises, and knew he wanted to keep them, but what about his plans? Then he turned and saw the fear in Aeris' face and knew he couldn't bear to disappoint her anymore. No more hiding. No more ignoring the flame between them.

"I'll see you tonight, yes. Careful though; if I get used to your bed I just may have to move in with you."

Aeris shrugged. "So move in. Your space in the clinic can't be that comfortable, and I certainly have extra room."

Anders looked in her ice blue eyes, at the truthful glance only accentuated by her pale silver hair, and was amazed by what he found. "You're serious about that."

"As death. My father taught me never to ignore magic, or love. I'm never letting you go."

Anders felt a pain in his chest. "I'm afraid I'll break your heart in the end. Until then, I'll stay at your side." He kissed her again as he finished dressing, lingering a moment in the door and grinning like a boy with a crush. "Until tonight."

"I shall hold you to it." The door closed, and Aeris counted. Three-two-one… Again it opened, and Anders blushingly grabbed his staff from where he'd left it on the middle of the floor. "Love you," Aeris noted.

When he said "I love you too" she felt her heart flood with joy.


	8. Chapter 8

I have no fear of heights, no fear of the deep blue sea although it could drown me.

I know it could drown me

No fear of the fall if it's with you that I fall because nothing could break us now.

-Katie Melua, "No Fear of Falling"

Anders didn't blame Hawke for being depressed on their way back to Hightown. Her eyes had been understandably downcast since they'd killed the mage who had kidnapped her mother. Nothing was going to be as usual for a while, and he knew her smile was likely vanished until they could break her out of the discontent. She was unopen to such a break; her fast pace, one he couldn't possibly keep up with, was indicative of that much.

It had been a month since they first shared a bed, and he returned now most nights. It was the most stress-free he ever could remember being, and he'd hoped to continuously provide her with the same comfort. That was just not going to be possible in this circumstance. Aeris had held her mother just hours ago as the woman died in her arms, and so her distancing for now was only to be expected. Even so, Anders hated to see her so upset.

When the group finally broke, Anders first went to the Hanged Man and spoke to the bartender. Aeris usually preferred to stick with light wine in order to keep clear headed, but tonight was different. Anders asked for the cheapest, most evil smelling bottle of get-drunk-quick liquor at the counter and hid it in his robes on his way to Aeris' apartment.

Bodahn looked oddly relieved as Anders walked in the mansion when he answered the door. Upon entering, the mage understood the reason. Aeris had apparently locked herself in the room that had been her mother's quarters; based on the sounds, she was busy whittling away at the furniture with her sword. Anders sighed and waved the dwarf into safety, gathering his own courage to knock on the door.

The beating sound stopped. "Go away, dwarf."

"What if I'm just a concerned friend here to comfort you?"

A loud sigh and thud as she sat against the locked door. "I'm not in the mood for your manner of comfort, Anders."

He clinked the bottle against the door. "I took a page out of Isabella's book."

After a second, the lock unclasped and the door cracked open. Aeris stood before him, bags under her eyes from crying and hair mussed in knots for the first time Anders had seen. She also had small cuts on both hands, and tear stains gracing the collar of her shirt. Still she raised her head to look at him, a blush in her cheeks. "Alcohol?"

"Something a little special for tonight," Anders suggested, waving the bottle in front of the crack in the door. "Come on out and we'll share a few. I promise to make it worth your while."

Hawke tiptoed out into the hall, bright red as she looked at herself. "You must have something more important to do."

~She's right, you know. There are plans we have to make…~

Anders shut out the second voice in his head, offering a hand to Aeris She needed him tonight, more than he needed to work on some arrogant plot for rebellion. The warrior took his arm and followed him upstairs, him grabbing two glasses as they went up and into the main room to share their drink.

Just over an hour later, the bottle lay empty as Aeris set her glass empty atop it's neck. She leaned back to her previous spot, head on Ander's chest, feeling the movement and he topped off his glass as well and set it on the floor beside the other last pieces from the evening's drunken exchange.

"You really don't see the difference?" Anders asked incredulously. "Mages in Ferelden and slaves in Tevinter?"

"No. I mean, listening to you and Fenris argue is amusing but you really are both saying the same thing, aren't you?"

"I never thought about that." Anders frowned. "Does that mean I have to be nice to him from now on?"

"Do you feel like you should?"

Even when she was drunk, Anders was amazed at Aeris Hawke's pointed diplomacy. She had a way of making you do what she wanted just by suggesting it as if it wouldn't have occurred to you. Anders recognized the ploy very well. Kasha Aeducan, the Gray Warden, had done much the same thing, only without the adorable tug at her lips to accompany it.

Anders accepted that he too was drunk. It was a lot like having Justice in charge, only more fun and he got to actually still keep control of his actions for the most part. He liked how Aeris was sprawled against him; he could run his fingers through that beautiful hair. Suddenly, she pouted as she looked at the floor.

"We're out," she noted. "We should get more."

Inebriated, the comment actually made sense. Actually, it sounded brilliant. "More. Of course."

Marian scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Don't like Lowtown, and nowhere up here sells this late." She suddenly sat up, almost falling all the way forward before catching herself. "The Gallows. I know a merchant or two is still open for the lads looking to get hammered."

"Brilliant little bird." ~No it isn't. She's drunk, you're drunk. Stay put and let it pass.~ Anders grumbled softly and stood wavering to straighten his clothing. "Let's get going."

The mage and warrior went together into the opening in the Gallows. It took only minutes for Hawke to find and grab their bottle, and Anders had it open an instant later. They shared several drinks from the bottle and walked together hand in hand. It was Anders' reaction to the Templar Gates that actually broke the quiet mood. He hissed. Marian couldn't help but laugh. "Hissing? Really?"

"Ser Pounce-a-Lot used to do it."

Hawke shook her head and put a loving hand on his shoulder. "Have you considered voicing displeasure in other ways? Drunken slurs and cursing is often said to help. Let me show you…"

~She's dangerous, Anders.~

Before Anders could sober up enough to stop her, Hawke slung off the first set of curses at the Templars. The guards looked up from duties to see the two, anger in their eyes in response to the insults. Anders went crimson and prepared to take point. In the back of his head was the little voice reminding this is why he wasn't suppose to drink. Minutes later it was Aeris dragging him toward the gates while the Templars voiced complaints to Aveline, brought in as the voice of reason in this disturbance.

The guardsman came forward with a sigh. "What possessed you two to do something so ill-advised?"

Anders whispered into Aveline's ear, explaining the events of the day until she was brought up to date on the fate of Hawke's mother. The discourse fully broke the effects of alcohol, though as he looked at Aeris he was thankful to see she still had a haze to her actions. When he finished, he met Aveline's eyes with a harsh purpose. "So what would you have done?"

Aveline sighed. "I'll see what I can do, but it will take a while. Get her home safely."

When Aeris awoke the next morning, she was in her own bed with head throbbing. She sat up, finding the motion made her ill; quickly, she turned to the bedpan and allowed herself to wretch. As she did, she felt a hand patting her back and rubbing in small circles. Much as her mother did when she was small…

The thought of her mother caused Marian to be ill again. As she did, the tears truly flooded her vision. Instead of letting her cry alone, Anders wrapped tight around her and whispered meaninglessly into her ear. She leaned back, allowing him to capture her in an embrace as she finished with hiccupping sobs. Silence signaled when she was done.

"Need anything?" Anders asked his love.

"Water. My mouth feels horrible."

Anders crawled out of the bed and went to the pitcher, returning with the wet beverage. Aeris rinsed her mouth first, then gulped the clear drink down and handed the glass over. Anders took the cup automatically, moving to refill and sip, leaning against the bedside. He tentatively moved to set beside her again, raising a hand to her face. She nodded, allowing him to brush her hair back and plant a soft kiss on her lips.

"Better?"

"Better," she admitted. Then she paled. "Maker, did we actually…I mean, the gates?"

"You were wonderful, Little Bird, but I don't think the act made us any friends."

When Aeris turned away, she caught glimpse of herself in the mirror and balked. Within minutes she had herself cleaned up and looking normal again. As if nothing had ever happened. Anders breathed in relief that his ill-conceived plot had worked.

They were downstairs sharing breakfast when Aveline came in, appearing to wish she was anywhere else with how slow she moved. Hawke gestured her to the table, gauging the fear in the older woman's eyes. She waited a moment, wiping her lip and stretching to stand up. "How bad is it, Aveline?"

"You caused a stir last night. Knight-Commander about asked to have silver hair in the stocks, and some blonde in a basket beside. Took hours to get her to calm down." Anders and Hawke looked at each other, a giggle passing between them. "No laughing matter. This could get very serious."

Hawke silenced, and Anders paled. "Is there going to be trouble for us?"

"Not both of you. Hawke, I'm sorry, I…if they can't quite beat you, the Templars ask you to join them. Well, train with them. Give their requests favor for a year, and accept training with their recruits until you are proficient. Basically, you are supposed to learn how to do their job and then help with it."

Anders was stunned. He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes, upset. Aveline looked embarrassed. Only Aeris herself had a delayed reaction: after her initial silence, she burst into laughter. "I will accept the deal if, after the year, I can choose to either leave in peace or continue to give them favor and further training. This is hilarious."

Anders looked in shock, eyes burning bright blue. "What?"

"If I do this, I can offer my assistance and knowledge to mages against these abilities. You can study them, and if needed I can use them against the Templars for you. There is no down side."

Aveline interrupted. "There are risks, Hawke. High ones. If you should get too proficient, use the abilities…"

Aeris held a hand up. "Yes, there are risks. I know them well. I once suggested to Carver that he and I take the vows to better protect father and Bethany. After we'd studied the eventualities, he couldn't go through with the idea. I wouldn't show him up so…" She shrugged. "I'll be careful for as long as I can."

Anders moved forward, planting a small kiss on Aeris' forehead. "You're crazy, my love."

She grinned. "Crazy, maybe, but this could be fun." And Hawke also realized very well it would make Anders that much safer.


	9. Chapter 9

I said I love you and I swear I still do.

It must have been so bad...

Living with me must have damn near killed you!

And this is how you remind me of what I really am...

This is how you remind me...

-Nickelback, "How You Remind Me"

Aeris lay on her bed alone as the morning came. She sighed, already long awake, and let her eyes move to the carved heart at the top of the bed in which were etched the words Aeris Loves Anders. Her fingers lightly caressed the edges of the words, eyes a little damp. At the foot was the partner phrase burned in magic: Anders Loves Aeris. Seeing that she actually became childish, pouting until she felt the tears fall.

The minute she had a chance Aeris had taken care of Anders' requests. Even against her will, she had helped him, knowing quite well the items he hunted for were not a part of any magic spell. She even accepted his decision to keep his true intentions hidden. Accepted, but not respected or understood.

Especially when he asked for her to help breaking into the Chantry.

So many times Aeris had just about refused to help, or demanded to speak with Justice and force him to explain what was going on. Unfortunately she loved Anders too much to breach his trust that way.

Yet there was a high price on her silence. Aeris' heart was breaking, and she had an inkling that Anders didn't even notice. Since that day in the Chantry, he'd been overly distant and moody, unwilling to talk or laugh or really do a single thing besides brood. Aeris thought, letting her tears fall and hit that cursed pillow- the one that Anders had tried to give Varric, and Varric had slipped to Aeris that same night. But then Anders had rarely come in the days since then, and when he did he was too preoccupied to notice.

The night he had handed over the item, acting as if a man already dead, Marian had lost it with absolutely no notice. She had simply shown up beside the dwarf at the Hanged Man. After several drinks of ridiculous proportion she had tried to come on to the dwarf… at which point he had coerced her to his bed, put her to sleep, and called for Fenris to carry her home.

Now, days later, it still hadn't healed between the mage and the warrior. Aeris lonely in the early morning was proof of that. And it only was worse considering that she liked having him by her side during their travels- for healing reasons, of course.

Not today though. Aeris made her decision right then. Let Anders think she'd taken a day to rest. She preferred to simply kill something to relieve this stress, and hopefully get a bit sore and beaten just to feel something other than this bitter frustration at her love. Instead, she'd take Merrill. The elf needed some sunlight anyway. Even if she didn't have healing, there weren't any dangerous tasks ahead. Today's menu was just a trip to the Bone Pit to rid it of the dragon-touch one more time. Given how easily the beasts had gone down previously it wouldn't make a difference.

That thought lasted about until the warrior saw the high dragon flutter from the mists. Her heart seized in her chest as she raised her sword and issued orders… Fenris to protect Varric this time, and she moved to stay near Merrill's volatile but unpracticed offensive magic. She refused to let the fear show in her eyes, not to them. It interrupted Varric's story, made Fenris upset, and Merrill… well, she would only panic. Instead she steeled herself for the battle at hand, sliding in and attacking with iron will.

Things actually were going well, or at least not terribly, until just as Aeris noted the dragon was on its final breath. Then it smacked its jaw and looked to Merrill, ready to catch the young blood mage in her fangs to take someone with her. Hawke rushed forward, used her abilities to push the beast back, and hit hard. Not hard enough. The beast grabbed the warrior instead. Aeris' last conscious image was of Fenris preparing a strike and going in for the killing blow in an attempt to extricate her, and her mind started to wander. She desperately wished Anders was there; at least she would have gotten to say good-bye…

So it was Fenris and Varric brought Hawke's badly ravaged form to the depths of Darktown. When Anders saw them enter he was about to protest until he saw Fenris' cargo. In an instant he'd cleared the clinic, shuttered the door, and gestured for Hawke to be set down. His preliminary findings were not good: her lips were ungodly blue, she was cool to the touch, and the damage was extensive enough there was not a part of her that didn't seem to be bruised or perforated. It was a frightening extent of damage. Finally getting the courage, he asked, "What happened?"

Varric went over the tale with Anders as the mage finished his check of their badly injured leader. Each word made Anders shudder and pale, even as he gathered the magic to himself and put his hands in position to heal Aeris. Usually, the magic would center on the area of injury; in this case, it completely covered her with a blue glow until Anders let the ebb flow and looked up, exhausted and fearful. "Andraste's sweetness, what possessed her to go out without me? She needed a healer nearby!"

Varric shook his head. "You really don't understand, Blondie?" When Anders shook his head, leaning over and looking at his lover blankly, Varric sighed heavily. Varric sighed, turning to Fenris. The elf more than got the message, leaving with a mumbled excuse of getting more supplies in case Hawke stayed the night. As he left, Varric locked the door and squat on the floor. "You've been hurting her, ever since those blasted tasks you hauled her on. You've been overly distracted. I noticed, and I'm just your friend; she's your partner. It hurt her. Badly. What did you think was going to happen?"

Regret shook Anders like a punch to the gut. Even the part of him that was Justice seemed a bit embarrassed, though it reminded that he'd wanted to tell her. "I've been acting terribly," Anders admitted. "Like the bastard I was probably born. Maker's breath, I want to make it up to her."

He looked at the unconscious woman he so desperately wished wasn't battered and broken, gathering his strength for another heal. He almost cried to feel how bad the injuries still were; it was a miracle she'd survived at all and returned to him, but now her life was in his hands even though he'd squeezed at her enough to crush it. As he completed the spell, mana ebbed yet again, tears attempted to flood his eyes and spill over. Both will and strength left him, and he fell backward…luckily into a chair Varric had conveniently pushed into position behind him.

"I don't know what to do," Anders admitted.

"Be honest with her," Varric suggested bluntly. "If you love Hawke, it is a discussion you owe her. You have to make the decision of what happens next together. You have her love, but can you earn it?"

Anders wiped his eyes, knowing this was the right answer. It was even similar to what Justice kept telling him. "I'm…not sure." He was shaking now, hand tentatively moving to that somehow still-perfect hair only he was allowed to touch. He flinched away at the last instant, feeling too dirty to proceed. Instead, he centered his hands and prepared for one last heal before he had to stop for the night and giving promises should the Maker let it work.

Hawke stirred just slightly, not waking but shifting and murmuring softly. Anders left his eyes shut tightly, but slowly moved to clasp one of her hands and latching on. Hawke's color changed to something less ghostly, and Varric exhaled loudly in appreciation. Anders slunk back into the chair, drained and gasping slightly. "She's going to…be ok. I couldn't heal…everything. But enough. She can sleep…safely."

"Then I'll get out of your hair. Before Fenris actually does go through any of your lady love's underthings."

Anders nodded, staying seated and allowing himself to drift into a light sleep. As he let sleep take him, he heard a beautiful murmur from Hawke that made his heart flutter. Not only was it a good sign of recovery, but it was a fair estimation of his name.

Morning broke without the sun reaching Darktown. Anders felt rejuvenated all the same, and his good mood only improved as he woke to find Aeris safely healing. He forced a few healing potions down to help the process proceed before grabbing some bread and cheese and sitting down at her side, scribbling her thoughts on paper.

Hawke's first realization was that she was not in her own bed. Due to that, she kept her eyes shut and decided to sense out where she was before waking fully. The bed was oddly familiar, if a bit small, but the dead giveaway was the strong hand cradling both of her own. She knew personally how dexterous and precise it was, had felt the tenderness with which it treated everyone he touched. It gave her a safe, warm feeling that she had missed for far too long.

Anders had once admitted he hated when a patient woke and he was unaware. Due to this, Aeris squeezed with both hands to alert him before opening her eyes. His beautiful brown eyes were full of relief as he gazed at her, immediately dropping his writing utensils onto the floor.

"You're awake." Anders about squealed.

Aeris tried to nod, finding it made her a bit lightheaded to try. "How.." Even as she started to ask what had happened, the memories came back. "The others!" Even as she started to bolt upright, Anders stopped with a very light shove.

"Nobody else had an injury that needed treatment. You, on the other hand, were brought to me resembling something more akin to a well-used pincushion."

"About that…" Aeris blushed a bit.

Anders put a finger to her lips. "Varric and Justice have both given me enough talking to without the object of their discourses reiterating the point. Can you forgive me for how I've treated you, my little bird?"

"Depends. Can I sit up yet?"

Anders let a nervous laugh finally escape his lips. He stood to fluff a pillow and help her get upright. "Better?"

From that position, there was less stress on her back and Hawke felt much more comfortable. "Immensely." She reached out again, rewarded with his hand once more.

"Really though, I hurt you." Ander's face contorted in guilt. "I want to make it up to you."

Aeris squeezed again, eyes shutting as she sighted. "Is this about using me to create something sinister, or lying about it to my face afterwards?"

There was no right answer. Especially when part of your mind was laughing and going ~ Oh I like her! ~ "Umm…"

"I'm not an idiot, Anders. You really thought I wouldn't know what you sought was not spell materials? But I understand your reasoning, agree to a point, and love you enough to keep up an illusion if it helps."

Anders leaned over. "I knew there is a reason why we love you." He paused, and then shuddered. "I...I love you." His eyes narrowed, and Aeris could swear she saw a blue tinge.

"It's nice to be admired," she joked, "and I don't might if your friend has a crush as well. As long as you both understand that it is YOU I love so desperately."

"Maker I adore you," Anders breathed. He saw her yawn and reached to brush her cheek. "That does unfortunately mean that you should get some rest. All your friends want to see you recovered shortly. I'll be here when you awaken."

Aeris snuggled into the covers, realizing she was in no fit state to object. She felt a slight warmth from his hand enter her, and was going to say something about overusing mana until it occurred to her this was part of him watching out for her. She let him show this kindness, drifting back into a blissful sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

I am trying not to think about all the things you did before but sometimes it all just gets to me.

I can't fake it anymore!

I'll stay with you but remember: be careful what you do because I'm not bulletproof.

-Kerli, "Bulletproof"

Aeris cleared her head in a schooled fashion, doing all in her power to remain untouched by what was happening around her. She experienced utter failure only. She had been implacable so many times before but this betrayal caught in her gullet and ate at her very soul.

Anders, the cause of this horrifying day, sat on a crate in the middle of the boat as they went to challenge the Templars. Hawke did not look at him. She'd spared him once to force him to make amends and deal with the consequences of his actions- whatever they may be. Staying aloft from him might just be the best repercussion imagine able. His head lowered, he had the look of a dejected man who would rather be dead.

Hawke herself leaned on the edge of the boat, the tail supporting her. Only then did her body give her the inkling it meant to for hours.

The silver-haired warrior found herself knocked off her feet. Only the rail kept her upright, and she was forced to close her eyes against the light. Her breath hitched. Thank the Maker her ragtag group was all focused elsewhere...

Except Aveline. Aveline, who always approached Hawke with some trepidation, yet who now watched her friend's struggle. Calmly, the red-head approached.

"Aeris. Are you well?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I slept alone last night, tossing badly. Then the Chantry, the Zmages. Anders." She grimaced. "Now this." She pulled an arm away and almost instantly began to tumble. Aveline grabbed on, keeping her upright and helping her back to the leaning position.

"Hawke, have you been...using the abilities the Knight Commander taught you?"

"Yes," was the quiet response. "I didn't use lyrium though. Not today. Only with Meredith."

"How much?"

"Whenever we trained."

"Maker Hawke." That one was louder, getting Bethany and Varric to turn, and Anders to frown as he attempted to bury his head deeper. Quiet again, Aveline shook her head and stepped to Bethany. She whispered to the Warden Mage who paled before handing over a familiar vial of blue. Aveline in turn gave it to an unhappy-looking Hawke.

No use being quiet anymore. Aeris downed the potion and dropped the vial on the deck with a crash, letting herself crumble with it in defeated. Anders was on her in a heartbeat, glowing in righteous indignity as he demanded "What did they do to you?"

"They? They?" Aeris laughed humorlessly. "This was my choice, to help clean up YOUR mess." With her rupturing strength she rose to her feet. "Someone had to step up, and you sure weren't going to. You'd planned on being dead and leaving ME with you Maker-damned mission."

"I didn't mean for you to..."

"No, I imagine you didn't mean for me to be the one to pay for your precious Justice. But your actions have consequences Anders. Stark ones, now. And you don't get to pick who takes the brunt of the price for YOUR mistakes. You should have remembered by now how much Your beloved Maker loves to put on me. Didn't think about the tab getting bigger, did you?" She shouldered her shield and sword again, looking at the shore. "Bethany, do you happen to have another spare? Just in case."

As Beth went to offer, Ander's hand got there first, wrapping a lyrium potion in her palm. "Take mine, bird. I...you're right."

Aeris tried to stay mad but felt it melt away in spite of herself. And in his amber-orbed eyes she could feel his promise to try making up for his mistakes over and over again. Maybe she would even give him the chance.


	11. Chapter 11

I promised when I got to new spoilers I'd give warning. While I can't profess this to have true spoilers YET...it does play with end-game content for Inquisition.

Just a warning.

I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now.

All I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life.

Sooner or later it's over.

I just don't want to miss you tonight.

-Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris"

Solas was keeping an eye on her as she approached, this slight elvish slip of a girl who held the world in her hand. She was coming down the hill slower than the rest of them, ears perked and listening on their route to the Hinterlands. She stretched her arms into the air of a sudden and clapped-birds shot from around the trees, causing a momentary blindness.

"What was that for, Herald?" Cassandra growled.

"The wolf behind us considering Varric for a meal. I hid us from him and gave him alternate prey." Her tone was very light, but also extremely blunt. "By the way, that 'Herald' thing. Whether or not I am some ancient bride's chosen one I prefer to just be myself when we're amongst ourselves."

"You are the Herald," Cassandra demanded. "To call you otherwise would shame Andraste." The seeker walked off, slightly huffed.

Varric looked at the female elf and shook his head. "Thank you- Levellan."

"Better," she laughed.

Solas alone paused, considering. "We met so briefly...what is your name, Dalish?"

She turned to consider him and a smile lit her face, them a pensive furrow of the eyebrow. "Fen'vhenan," she sighed, not missing his wince as she stated it. "You can just call me Fen. Most city elves cannot pronounce it, and the Dalish..."

"The Dalish understand it's meaning."

Fen nodded.

"I would be most comfortable calling you lethallan if that is acceptable for now."

Fen considered. "That is fine for now. Though I hope you might be willing to call me Fen or some other nickname sometime."

Solas waved her off. "Calling you friend is close enough."

He said no more on the subject as she walked off, but he heard her relating an ancient tale to the dwarf. It was a familiar one, one he knew in his bones, of Fen'harel saving the children of a village. Her telling was strange though among the Dalish: in her version, the Dread Wolf knew the elders had sold the clan into slavery and were so tricked into giving away the location of their home for coin and meat. So Fen'harel loosed an arrow which moved slow, so slowly that the humans came. But the slavers were tricky, she said, and would not part with their coin. They took to slaughtering the adults of the village. On his rage, the wolf allowed this and saved none until every last elder breathed their last. Then, when the slavers made to take the children, his arrow fell and slew the leader. Confused and aimless the remaining slavers left the children be.

"That wolf has a temper," Varric chuckled.

"Quite so," Fen agreed. "There are many tales of him. Several of the Dalish consider him a villain, but some of us see him as the one who will do whatever is necessary."

Solas stopped in his tracks. "You sound as though you admire the Dread Wolf."

Fen'vhenan growled lowly. "Mayhaps I do. I know you are a student of lore and the Fade- have you heard all versions of the stories? Do you know him as monster alone, flat ear?"

Solas was surprised to hear such tone and challenge for such a character. "I have heard of him as hero, but never so vehemently. No disrespect, I was just curious."

She seemed to ease. "Ah." She laxed again. "Fen'vhenan is more than a name my family has cherished and passed in its line when deemed appropriate. It is also a charge. To take on the unsavory, the unwanted, for the good of the clan in ways the Keeper cannot." Her tongue then slid into elvhen seemlessly, which Solas recognized from one of the tales.

"What was that?" Varric asked.

"My blade is stained in blood so the innocent need not see it. My hands are covered in innocent blood because no choice remains for the good of all. My mind is heavy but my feet are light as I do the work of the Wolf." Solas peered at her measuringly. "It is an old story, of when the Dread Wolf took his name and form."

"And one few know," Fen noted. "I am pleased to hear someone who does."

Her smile was bright. Too bright. And the wolf curled around Solas' heart mimicked the expression, overly pleased with this already unknowingly vowed to his cause.

He knew right then that he was lost.


	12. Chapter 12

If I lay here-if I just lay here- would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life!

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

Solas felt her nearby. He always did. Vhenan's presence seemed to call to him like a beacon, and he knew she should be here. He was about to call out to the inquisitor when he felt the wind change behind him; turning in a blur, he saw her drop into a crouch behind him in a flurry of blood red. She near instantly righted herself and met his gaze with a grin.

"Fen'vhenan."

"Solas." The hood of her red cloak fell to her shoulders, revealing the mess of matching hair beneath it. "What beings you out from camp?"

"Seeking you," he admitted. "I didn't see you after dinner."

"Sometimes I still find the camps a little overwhelming," the Dalish admitted. "I was alone so long, so often...it's strange." She looked into the sky. "And I love the stars."

Solas smiled. "They are lovely." He took her hand, inviting. "Want to secure the perimeter with me, Vhenan?"

Fen had a brief instant of hesitation before an evil glint passed her eyes. She licked her lips and gestured to an open clearing, lit by starlight. Then, in a flicker, she took off into the woodlands like an arrow from a bowstring. Solas stared off with pursed lips before a feral light hit his eyes and ignited his heart. Then he shot off after her, an ancient strength lending itself to his limbs.

Something about the way her red cloak flowed in the wind set Solas aflame all around. He chased the quick rogue, finding her a worthy challenger to his speed. Vhenan kept ahead of him, and the male elf found himself fully unable to catch her. It was strange- he had the instincts of a hunter, and the desire, but this prey eluded him. She spun around, coming to the edge of a cliff. Solas almost cried to her as she leapt off, but he heard her laughter as she rolled down the hill. He followed with a dive of his own, rolling with her as they collapsed at the base.

Vhenan stretched languidly, her hands brushing against his. "Sorry to give chase," she replied breathlessly. "My father always said I could give the Dread Wolf himself a challenge."

"Did he now?" The mirth was palpable now.

"You kept up well, Solas."

They lay there a while in companionable silence before minds started wandering. "Dorian," Solas sighed in a whisper. "What is going on there?"

"I helped him with a...personal issue." She shook her head. "I only wish I could have done more."

"More?"

"He had...a purpose placed on him contrary to his nature."

Solas thought. "He rebelled against Tevinter?"

"In a manner of speaking. He had to be true to his heart." Vhenan's sigh was long, hard. "I understand him in that. If I can save him from a place he cannot stand, I will."

Solas considered her words. "And what of his affection? Is that what he gives in return?"

"Affection? I suppose...after a manner if speaking." She laughed. "Did I tell you about Varric and Cassandra by the way? Suddenly the best of friends over that blighted book he wrote."

Solas took her change of subject, understanding she would discuss Dorian no further. Obviously the matter was private between them, much as he might like to understand the relationship between his fellow elf and the Mage.

He considered her a bit. The red hood sprawled around her, the edge still set back revealing her face in the moonlight. She had such serenity here, such peace. She sighed happily and squeezed his hands.

"And what about you, Fen'vhenan?"

"What about me Solas?"

"Are you well?"

Her demeanor changed, her body stiffening. "Well? Yes, I am well enough."

"That's not..."

"I am the inquisitor Solas. I take what peace I may, but in the end I comprehend my life is...forfeit." She turned her head towards him, a sad smile. "My happiness especially."

Solas bristled, the wolf inside growling unhappily even as her words mirrored his own mind. "Forfeit?"

"It is why I cherish you, Solas. You pay attention and try to understand ME, not just what I am. It is

becoming increasingly rare."

Fen'harel felt his heart pull, his head swim, a pang of sadness for his part in it. "I am sorry if you feel you are losing yourself."

"Don't most heroes or legends?" She asked morosely. Shaking her head, she rethought herself. "Never mind. I doubt you can make sense of me right now. I just...I know what I am will ring in history, there is no way around that. But I don't think the WHY will be remembered. I make the decisions that make the most sense, but who knows what they will bring. I may be causing damage for the future, Solas, and never know. It scares me. And I know who I am, those little whys of my actions, will be forgotten."

There was a long pause. Fen'harel felt tears come to his eyes briefly at her conundrum. "I would imagine," he finally managed, "that your actions are more measured than others in history. Your mind is what is important about you."

"You can't know that."

"You're right. You are also right about history. It does not record the meaning, but the action."

"My father used to tell me even the worst betrayer must believe his cause is right," Vhenan explained. "I hate to consider I might be harming our people."

"Your father." Solas paused, keeping his emotions in check while considering a question he'd wanted to ask. "Was he...Dalish too then?" It was a start.

"My father considered himself Elvhenen," she chuckled, "but he was Dalish yes."

"Elvhenen?"

"He was a storyteller my father, and said he related more with the ancient legends than what our people have become now." The moonlight did nothing to conceal her snicker as she noted, "You remind me of him at his best."

"Then he must have been poor company."

"Grand, actually. Always had a story, and something to discuss. We stayed up long hours discussing and debating legends of our people." She sat up. "My father...I know the question you are trying to ask. About his valeslin."

"I..."

"It's alright. I wish I had followed his lead. When it was my turn I took the mark of courage, and while my father supported me I know he was disappointed I did not have the strength to take his markings. The marks if the Dread Wolf."

Solas felt a little faint. "Why would he bear such a mark? Why want you to do so as well and be ostracized?"

"You have to understand, my father cared for me, and if he didn't know my heart would not have encouraged it. But one of the topics we loved discussing was that of the Wolf he named me after. He believed-as do I- that there was reason in the rebel's madness. My father knew I asked Fen'harel forgiveness for the misconception and often begged for aide. It was a reminder that we cannot control everything."

Solas took her words in for a moment, considering. "You have a unique view of legend, Vhenan."

The Dalish laughed heartily and stood, offering a hand to her companion. "I know. Hopefully history will record that."

The wolf inside beamed in warm acceptance. He knew then if he had any say in it, her reason would be fully preserved forever.


	13. Chapter 13

I forgive you after all.

Anything is better than to be alone, and in the end I guess I had to fall.

I always find my place among the ashes...

But I can't hold on to me.

-Evanescence, "Lithium"

Today was one of the bad days.

Hawke hung on Anders' arm not really remembering where they were at the moment. She sighed headily as she hardened her grip on the staff he had kindly offered for her to lean on. Whatever they were doing was just going to have to wait.

"Grey." Recognizing the code name the Mage stopped and turned to her. With his hair cut short and dyed pitch black, few would have recognized him as the cause of the rebellion. He didn't even have any tell-tale signs of magic, carrying her sword and shield rather than the staff. The part of him that was Justice preferred those weapons anyway; Anders was uncomfortable for all it left her defenseless, but she wasn't going to be swinging in this condition anyway.

The concern echoed through him to her. "Bird?"

"I think we stop here for a while." She managed a smile that did not quite reach her eyes. "Just for a few moments."

Anders nodded, then handed her a water skin. Hawke knew what he was doing, was quite sure the water had some diluted lyrium in it to force her to regain her strength, but she could not care right now. She sipped the drink and felt a slight bit restored. Her companion exhaled in relief, glad she hadn't argued him this time. She had before, trying to stay off the stuff, but some days it just...wasn't worth struggling.

"Do you think we are far from the border?"

Hawke's mind returned. They had been traveling towards the Orlesuan border, staying away from the fledgling Inquisition and trying to catch up with Commander Aeducan-and her elven companion. Hawke remembered the note they had received: yelling and frustration towards Anders, laced with disappointment and curses Aeris had never imagined, and commendation for Aeris Hawke herself. It included an offer of asylum in any Ferelden Warden stronghold so long as Anders returned to their roster.

Anders had not liked that. Aeris didn't care if he did, but was willing to talk with Aeducan to see about revising the deal.

Which led them here. It was actually somewhat pretty if a little cold to Hawke-though that could just be the shivers from her sweating so badly not long before. She lay on the hillock, sprawling out a moment and taking a deep breath.

"Border. Not far, no."

"And when we see Aeducan? What then?"

"We will discuss her terms."

"And if she refuses to budge?"

Hawke sighed. She knew what Anders was looking for: a promise she would not hand him back to the Wardens permanently. Thing was she couldn't give him that promise.

"We will deal with that if it happens."

The blue glimmer hit quickly, violently as it had so often more recently. Aeris controlled her discomfort again as the part of her love taken by Justice and Vengeance railed and made demands. "You will tell me your plans! You will not control me, not enslave me! I will not be subject to your whim!"

"I will do what is right," Aeris promised, voice dangerously even. "We have to atone, whatever the cost. I will speak with Aeducan, as will you, and we will decide what is right. Together."

Anders drew himself up fully in an attempt to be intimidating. "I will have..."

"You will have Justice, Anders. Nothing more or less." At this, she turned away.

Anders felt the spirit recede and looked over his love. She had grown colder he knew; he had seen her lose the humor, somewhere between the lyrium and the betrayals. Her eyes weren't bloodshot, but did droop a bit. Age had made her more weary, more callous. Yet also more beautiful. He shuddered, ashamed.

"Let's go on." His voice was a whisper as he offered an arm to Aeris and helped her up. "I think there's a town nearby, and I saved some coin. A real bed will do us both some good."

That night, after some supper and a brief but meaningful bout of love-making, Anders watched as his beloved slept. It seemed more natural. She rested, but her ears remained perked in alert. She had been like that since he met her in Kirkwall, never wanting to miss an instant. He put a hand on her shoulder, amazed as she shifted under it to come closer. After everything, she still sought him out. He no longer knew why. He even considered himself a monster.

All he did was hurt her.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, wishing again he had the strength to leave her side. She was a champion, a hero. If he left her there would be no need to hide...

No. When he'd said as much, in a feverish state stuck in a marsh, Hawke had burst into tears. She had been affected herself, and in the weakened state had admitted it was her weakness: she couldn't let him go, couldn't exact the justice necessary, could not leave him or let him leave. She blamed herself, for not seeing- and when she did see, for being unwilling to stop or punish him.

Anders shook his head, driven to years of his own as he whispered to her the words she had told him. "I am strong. You are my weakness, and I will gladly pay for that."

Neither Anders not Hawke could anticipate that the morning would change their plans and lives. It brought a letter from Varric, explaining the need for Hawke to help the inquisition, and the dangers to Wardens. Especially Mage Wardens.

"I'm going."

"Let's go then."

"No Anders." Hawke said, ice and venom in her tone. "Find Bethany. Protect her. If I'm right...if Varric's right...you are both in too much danger with me. Varric and I will handle it."

"If you are sure love."

Hawke could feel it in her bones, but didn't say she felt their time was done. "I'll be back," she said instead- not sure if it was a lie or not.


	14. Chapter 14

Alright- we are into VERY VERY full and OBVIOUS spoilers.

if you have not finished the abyss and the wardens this chapter is not for you.

She sits in her corner singing herself to sleep, wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep.

She no longer cries for herself, no tears left to wash away.

Just diaries of empty pages, feelings gone astray.

But she will say:

Everything burns while everyone screams, burning their lies, burning my dreams...

All of this hate and all of this pain...

Burn it all down as my anger reigns!

-Anastacia, "Everything Burns"

Hawke was glad the inquisitor had listened to her. In her heart, the warrior knew she was spent before entering the Fade. Before the assault on the Wardens even. Probably before...anything. She was probably spent since leaving Kirkwall.

Aeris steeled herself against the nightmare, sword raised and ready. This outing had been good, reminding her of the old days and letting her stretch herself. If only she did not feel stretched so thin and far. She was not as good as she had once been, but still quite good enough to be recognized as Champion.

Stroud was needed. And she, Aeris Hawke, was expendable. Besides, she had a debt.

By all rights Anders should be dead at her hands. She knew this, but had never been able to complete the task. She had made a mistake, a grave one. Perhaps that is why the sins of her father returned to haunt her. Regardless, this was her one chance to give her all to make it right, to gain something back of her honor.

The spider fell hard. Then came the other shades, the demons that whispered in the dark. She could stand for a time against them certainly, but she could never win. Aeris was never supposed to win.

The words flooded.

No Hawke, no blood magic.

I'll stay grateful for all you've done, Hawke.

I will back down, Hawke.

I won't muddle your tale. It's too good already Hawke.

Believe me Hawke: it already belonged to me.

I wouldn't hurt you, my Bird.

Lies. Every one of them.

Well now Hawke had finally managed to lie. She'd said she was coming back, had promised Anders, even when she knew better in her heart. The inquisition was always going to be her end.

It felt like hours she fought, muscles protesting until it became fluid and she returned to her past expertise. The sword became a limb again, the shield an extension of her will. She took pride that in the end she would be at her peak once more. She even managed to defeat the remains of her addiction, retaining proficiency without any lyrium even as she used the craft to push the abominations back. She stood alone, defiant, and was glad of it. Aeris felt relief that nobody but her would fall here.

Every pain, every anger, Hawke pushed through her body to sharpen her sword's danger. She let her frustrations eke out, hoping to empty herself of them before she fell the final time. It made her a blaze, a beacon, drawing more...but it felt filling and true to her heart.

Finally she fell to one knee. Her body was utterly spent, exhausted; she knew the next attack would rip her apart. "Maker, I am yours," she whispered, closing her eyes against the final blow...

When Varric looked at Aeris' belongings, he realized there was be less letter to be written. Hawke had left a note, scrawled in her hand, titled "For My Dearest Anders."

Days later, the message arrived. Anders was with Bethany, about to head for the square to grab food when three noted arrived. One was from Stroud, explaining the banishment of the Wardens. One was for Bethany in Varric's writing-she excuses herself to read in private. The third Anders hand caressed before opening.

It still smelled of fire and the woodlands, and the lettering was still near fresh.

"My heart-

I asked Varric to get this to your hands if something happened to me. I suppose that, since you have it on hand, that is what occurred. And I am sorry, Anders. So sorry I cannot come back to you.

Perhaps my fate has always been to love you. I know I felt there was no other choice. I DO love you, for all your faults and words and fell deeds. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

Please do not blame yourself. Do not blame the inquisitor. Do not blame Varric, or the Seeker, or anyone else but me myself. I was not strong enough to persevere. This is my own choice, my sacrifice, as it has always been. My decision to take on everyone's problems.

One day we may be reunited. Until then know that I will love you always.

-Your Aeris"

Anders eyes filled with tears, and a cry of pain slipped his mouth before he could stop it. Bethany came running in, her own eyes red-rimmed.

"Is she..?" Anders managed, his page dropping to the ground.

Bethany nodded. "She stayed when nobody else could."

The two cried together, sitting side-by-side as they let their tears fall in memory of the woman they both admired most in the world.


	15. Chapter 15

You held my hand and walked me home, I know.

When you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh

You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?

Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love...

-Avril Lavigne, "Don't Tell Me"

Vhenan's voice rang clear throughout Skyhold's inn. She was sitting on top of a table, legs folding underneath her, regaling everyone with a story. As usual. Solas had started coming here when he knew she would be present. The lilt of her voice, the edge of her tones...her presentations even. All were picture perfect, whether she recited old legends or- like today- more modern tales of their journeys.

Varric say in rapt attention, making notes as she spoke. She would focus on the dwarf from time to time, when something needed to be told just so, or be embellished more by his expert hand for future tellings. Solas knew from experience that the two storytellers would get together afterwards to discuss the particulars.

It would help Varric heal, and keep Vhenan whole.

"You tell such tales," one of the Chargers- a Dalish as Solas recalled. "How about the old songs?"

Vhen blushed. "My voice is poor for them."

"Nonsense." That was Cassandra, who had taken to joining from time to time when Vhenan appeared. "I heard you just yesterday. Your voice is beautiful."

The swear was in Elvhenen, a curse through the Wolf. Then she looked up and sighed. "This is payback for the book, isn't is?"

Cassandra's lips pursed, making it obvious this was the case though the Seeker said nothing. Vhen gathered her breath and began.

It was an ancient hunting hymn, one Vhenan's voice was well suited to carry. It made him feel the beating of the path, the clearness of the air...

It should have a second part. Yet even Solas was surprised when his voice provided the harmony, mixing with hers perfectly. He stepped up, taking her hands in his as they continued the song of the hunt, calling and thanking the quarry all at once.

Vhen's feet were slippery, uncertain in his moves. Solas guided them both, taking the lead as their voices raised. The small crowd in the in disappeared to the duo; their steps fell in place as they moved in circles and sang out. It was pleasant, and Vhen felt comfortable in his arms as he spun her slowly and clutched her close to him.

The song ended, the female elf tucked perfectly on his arms, and he couldn't help but grin. She looked up as the last string of song faded, meeting his eyes in surprise and glee.

"Delightful. You should get out more, Lavellan," Varric suggested with a mirthful laugh that shook the two back to reality. They dropped hands quickly.

"Is that..?" Dalish asked, pausing.

"It is the purest form of the rite," Solas explained. "A hunter's plea for good fortune. I knew it from the Fade. I hope you did not much mind, Vhenan?"

Truth burst forth as she asserted. "Not even a little." Then she pulled Solas close and whispered in his ear, "Your hunter soul is showing, da'fen."

Panic lit his eyes briefly before he saw the mirth in her eyes. She pulled away, laughing. They rest of the group met the duo with confusion, having missed the last part of the exchange.

That night Solas found himself unable to fall asleep, the tingle of her skin and lilt of her song steady in his mind. He was ready to simply cast a spell when he heard the knock. Only she would be here, he knew...

And indeed she was, hair burning red like his desire and eyes cool as the waters. She didn't wait for him, just entering and climbing into the small loft.

"Can I help you, Vhenan?"

"You have me confused Solas. At least in Orlais I new I played a game. With you I have no idea where I stand."

"I..." He stalled, seeing her eyes. "I cannot answer. You cannot force me."

Vhen hung her head. "I thought you would at least answer something willingly. By the Wolf, Solas, I WILL get answers."

"You and that treacherous Wolf." He was hurt, angry. "What if he isn't the hero, Vhenan? What if he made mistakes too? What if his arrogance is the reason we are here, now? His will is not so benevolent as you say."

"I never said benevolent. I'm not...nice, Solas. I'm not good. I hurt, I kill. I have since I was old enough to pick up my blades. You make me into something I am not. I am the knife that is needed, nothing more." She sighed, leaping down. "This was a mistake. All of it. Us."

Solas looked in her eyes. "Peace, Ma'vhenan." He came up, holding her close, wrapping her up. "I forget your place sometimes. And mine." Her head rested on his shoulder. His hands smoothed her hair, soft and comforting.

"We aren't going to last, are we?" Vhen asked, almost too quiet to hear.

Solas didn't answer, instead guiding her out on the balcony. There he took her hands. "I wasn't with you in Orlais," he commented, "so I missed my chance then. But now, would you-that is...may I have this dance?"

They spun together under the stars, Solas' feet guiding until they were both satisfied and went in. There they sat together on the couch and spoke until past daybreak.


	16. Chapter 16

Ok. Biggest spoilers possible. Be warned.

I have no story to be told, but I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn.

Think of me in the depths of your despair, making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared.

The scars of your love remind me of us.

They keep me thinking how we almost had it all.

-Adele, "Rolling in the Deep"

Corypheus defeated. Palace balls. Cheering.

Didn't matter.

Fen'vhenan tried to hold out as long as she could. No reminders of who she was, but everywhere she was reminded of what could have been. The reminders hit during the day, the nightmares at night.

Vhen had hardly recognized the nightmares for what they were the first few days. She was no mage, was never a target for demons before now. Whether it was her weakness, or the anchor, or some combination the fact remained she recognized them now.

Desire demons plagued her sleep.

It was disconcerting how strong she was against them. They faltered as she did not, and in that moment were brought low. Yet they all had the face of her betrayer, her hearts's ache. Fen tried to forgive, giving Solas the benefit of doubt; it grew harder each night she fought demons for her mind. Would he remain away even in his own realm, in the Fade?

It was a month after he had gone. She had tried not to sleep, but Dorian-gentle, sweet Dorian-refused to let her remain exhausted. He had taken up Solas' haunt recently hoping to cleanse the memories of hurt. And it did work. That night he asked her to stay, brewed tea, and added a sleeping draught. He held her as she fell asleep even. What he could neither expect or understand was how the Fade was affecting her.

Solas was before her again, sitting on his chair the way she remembered in this rotunda. He peered at her. "Emma lath!" The book was dropped, forgotten. "You came."

Fen'vhenan shuddered. "You still aren't him."

"And why are you so sure?"

"The book," she pointed, "is in Tevinter language. You dropped it. And he never called me his love. Only..." She stalled, a thought in her head.

"And have we put together what I am now?"

"You. Aren't. Him." She was hyperventilating now, pushing back.

"Neither was he. He was lies. Betrayal. Maybe I am more real than he ever was."

Vhenan hated when a demon spoke sense. This was a new vein for them, to freely admit their nature. She reached out a little. Was it so simple? Was this what Solas' true nature was all the time? A demon..?

"No." It was a whisper, but a fervent one. "He was a bastard, but he wanted me to think for myself. You don't."

The desire demon cried out, then dissipated. Vhenan sunk to her knees, crying.

"Da'fen, what is wrong?"

She looked up. "Papa?"

The glimmering image shone before her eyes. He knelt in front of her, kissing her cheek. "Not exactly, but it will do."

Vhenan balked. "You are another..."

"No. I chased them away for my little girl. You can rest easy tonight. Your friend- he did a good job for you."

She smiled. "Papa. I...I let myself be led astray."

"No da'len. You were not taken off your path, though you were misled. Your heart is still true."

"How? I am supposed to be strong, to do the Wolf's work. I joined the inquisition, led it, as the purest version of his will. Do the most good by making the hardest decisions. And they were hard, papa! Now I feel spent, stuck. What is my way now?"

The spirit held her tight. "Your way doesn't change da'fen. It never has. Hadn't you guessed?"

Fen'vhenan considered. Her head was spinning- it couldn't be. "The old gods are gone," she whispered. "Elvhenen fell papa."

"Did it?" He touched her forehead, and just before her heart. "You are Elvhenen da'fen, far more than you are Dalish. It is your heart, your soul. Even if he could not see it." He laughed, almost a giggle. "I call you child, but yours is a very old soul. He was blind to ignore it."

"What do I do?"

"For now, sleep. Then protect your own- I cannot be here for you every night. And then, when you are prepared, make a different world in the way you know best. Follow the Wolf."

Vhen awoke well rested, head on Dorian's lap. He was fast asleep, and she did her best not to wake him as she shifted upright. It didn't work; obviously he was a little on edge, though he called upon realizing it was midmorning already.

"Sleep well?"

She nodded, pensive. "I...need help. You and..."

Cole appeared, immediately. "Me."

Vhen nodded. "I have to tell you what I have been experiencing. Since...since Solas left."


End file.
